I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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