cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you will always have a special place in my vag
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I wish there were birth control emojis
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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