im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
