Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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