It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
