Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
