Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
