The police scanner is talking about you again....
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Houston, we have a squirter
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
