I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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