Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
