Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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