Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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