I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
