my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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