Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
