he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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