allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
