There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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