dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Damn victory sex feels great
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
