I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
