so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
