just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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