the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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