I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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