Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My dick has a subreddit
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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