i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
