got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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