She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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