i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
