she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
