Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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