i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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