Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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