My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
