I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
