She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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