I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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