I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
