i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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