Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
