it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
