My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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