Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
