My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
