if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
