i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
