Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize