i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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