I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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