I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
