I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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