i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize