It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
