Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I would ride that face into the sunset
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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