I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
