So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
