ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
