Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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