take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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