Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
