the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
