If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
