i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
