Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
