there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
