There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Panties = found
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
