If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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