he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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