you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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