So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize